Tags: life


{coming to terms}

 I have recently made a discovery.  People like Keith more than they like me.  Maybe like isn't the exact right word.  Maybe enjoy is more to the point.  He is open, enthusiastic, caring and seems to genuinely want to talk to them.  I think it is the enthusiasm that is the key here.  I am not sure if I was ever as enthusiastic as he is.  I suppose it depends on the subject. 

In the discovery is nestled this odd tidbit of knowledge that might have something to do with it.  I am not a flirt.   I never really have been.  I was never taught to flirt. I never had an older sister to teach me.  It was quite a long time before I got the opportunity to try and flex those sorts of muscles, and by the time I was able, it seemed that the parade had passed me by.  I was a "Late Bloomer".   I think that is suppose to make you deep or something.  I don't buy that for a minute.  It just makes you depressed.

I find it hard to call someone  "Sweetheart" or "Honey".   I don't know, I feel silly.   Don't get me wrong, I love it when I am flirted with.  Calling me "Sweetheart" or "Honey" is fantastic.  I just feel awkward and really dorky.  There seem to be some boundary that there and I am not quite sure where it is.  

I even find it awkward to call Keith pet names sometimes.

Maybe it is just right now.  This moment in time is really perilous and I am using all my energy to keep myself together and functioning.  When things are better ( and they will be goddammit!!) I will be able to loosen up a bit and find my inner flirt.

In figuring out this bit of myself, I find an acceptance of it.  Which is a bit odd.

Is this something I should accept?  

{in memoriam} repost from 4/19/2007

I found out someone died today. I think she died on the 12th, but I am not sure. I didn’t really know her, but she was a bit of a hero to me. Her live journal name was thamiris . I never knew her true name. She was heavily involved in the Smallville fandom, a bit involved with Harry Potter, and when I was into my live journal on a daily basis, I read her entries ravenously.

She was a college professor somewhere in Canada. In the recent weeks I have glanced at my live journal several times and not seen a post from her so I went directly to her live journal and saw that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Or the C word as she put it. Today, I was searching for some of her fanfiction and I saw that she had several memorials on her journal and my breath caught. I searched some of the live journals on the memorials and finally found that she had died. I am stunned and heartbroken.

She was a self proclaimed pornographic goddess. She was tawdry, and literary, and smart, and completely vulgar in the most delightful way. She was vivacious and and her wit was quick and sharp. She did not suffer fools or people who took themselves to seriously. And I think it was her most ardent dream to see Clark and Lex make out on her living room floor(and then join them, of course).

It always strikes me as lovely and strange that you can get to know someone in cyberspace and how much they can come to mean to you even if you hardly ever communicate directly. We did on a couple of occasions, but I, like most of her followers watched and laughed and agreed from a distance.

I feel like there is much less light in the world.

And I loved her even though I never really knew her.

I feel like I did when I found out Spalding Grey had committed suicide. Like in some irrational but fundamental way it affects my life. I think just knowing she was out there somewhere meant that the passion I put into fandom was not silly. That fanfiction was just another form of fiction.

Because if Tham agreed, it couldn’t possibly be any other way.

I will miss you Tham, you affected my life and I will be forever grateful.

{the powers that be can shove it....}

Let me tell you about my last 2 weeks. Monday the 18th my Uncle died from cancer. He was in a lot of pain, so he is better off, but still it sucked big time. The memorial service for him was the following Friday. As I was getting ready for the service I get a call from my Mother telling me that my Aunt on the other side of the family has fallen she has internal bleeding in her head that they can't stop because she had been on blood thinners. They have her on life support and she isn't going to make it.

Well, hell.

30 minutes later I get another call from my mother telling me that my Great Uncle in Seattle has died that morning as well. After that I swore I wasn't going to answer the phone again.


I went to a Memorial service on Friday that was quite lovely. I am not a church goer so I cringed my way through the preaching and tried to hold it together as the other members of my family and I glanced at each other with a look in our eyes that said "Really?". The service didn't even last an hour. My Uncle had requested a short service and they listened. However the closing prayer lasted so long that Keith said he actually lost his train of thought at one point. One cousin said she wanted out of the family, she was done. I understand. She has rescinded the offer, which is good, as we apparently are dropping like flies.

Last Monday I went to another Funeral. This one was like most southern funerals. LOTS of preaching and lots of deifying. The woman that the preacher apparently knew wasn't the one I remembered being my Aunt. We got to sing hymns, which I enjoyed, it is the only thing from church I miss. Toward the end though, they tried to get people to get saved. I really, really, really hate that. They said that it was what my Aunt would want. Bollocks. Left us all in a bad mood and we went and searched out pie.

They have the most amazing fried pies in Canton TX. If you are ever there, go find the Baker's Ribs BBQ place. Oh. My. God. The crust is to die for.

Now, a couple of days ago a very close relative of my husbands (I am being vague on purpose, trying not to make a bad situation worse no matter how I want to resort to hair pulling and jumping about) unloaded 20 years of repressed anger on him. Charged him with all manner of sins, real and imagined and then refused to try to work it out. It started with Keith making a extremely tasteless reply on Face Book, something he shouldn't have done seeing who's Face Book page it was he was writing on, but this person got embarrassed in front of people who's opinion this person valued.

The gist of the call was that everything Keith (and presumably me too, as I am apparently Keith's appendage and incapable of independent thought so I got unfriended when he did)does and every thing he thinks is all aimed at poking at and making fun of this person. Have I got news for this person. They don't even rate on the list of things we worry about. We have quite enough problems on our own to even contemplate worrying about them.

Apparently Keith is vicious and petty and uncaring and unloving and spiteful. He is also too loud, and too forceful. He can't forgive this person for things that happened years ago and he hates them and will always hate them. This is a pet peeve of mine, the word "always". I personally don't think human beings "always" do anything. Every situation is different, thank god. Saying you "always" do this or you "always" do that is a sure way to piss me off.

As a result of this phone call I have been having arguments with this person in the car, shower and almost anytime I find myself alone. I am exhausted as a result of the deaths and now this stupid phone call that wasn't even mine. Keith made a post about all that has happened and had to take it down because someone said it was only made to build him up in his friends eyes. However it has come to our attention that today a letter was posted to that said person is going to cut themselves off from the rest of us as they have apparently become "too forgiving" and this made them a doormat. That they just take it and take it and now they were done. I guess that Keith wasn't the only on in the family that was nasty, mean and rotten to them, so we all get punished. I suppose this letter however was not suppose to boost this person to their friends and/or family. Yeah, right.

I am finding righteous indignation so tiring.

Families falling apart, relatives dying like fruit flies.

So, Yeah, if the powers that be can find their way to giving us a bit of a break, that would be awesome.

{there is steam...can you see the steam?}

I just went to the grocery store. Strolled right in there and spent money I barely have because the graphic design industry is still not in any kind of recovery and my husband can't find a job. When I walk out of the store I find a pink post it note on my driver side window. Apparently someone took umbrage at the Obama sticker I still proudly have on my car.

This is what the note said:

10% unemployment
Skyrocketing Debt
and Deficits.

How is that
hope and change thing
working for you?

They left no name, no number. I realize that I live deep in the heart of republican town. I do know this. Most of my relatives are republicans (I actually heard my Uncle state, recently mind you, that history will show that George Bush Jr. was one of the best presidents we have ever had ::shudder::). But even an 11 year old realizes that even if Obama worked 24 hours a day, every single day since he took office he could have NEVER messed up the country as much at it is. Your guy started it dude.

I don't understand people.

Keith said that I should be happy.

At least they didn't spray paint the note on my car.

{how old are you again?}

Confession time. Along with everything else, I have found myself addicted to iCarly.

Dear god help me, but I think I have a thing for Spencer.

If you have never watched, it is on Nickelodeon usually every night at some point. It is about this girl, Carly, who has a live web show every week along with her friend Sam, a girl who REALLY appreciates food and has massive anger issues, and her technical producer Freddy, who has a crush on her.

It is geared toward teens, but it is so well done that I just love it. Check it out. It has a really snappy theme song too!

I can't decide who the OTP is yet, but I am leaning toward Spencer/Sam (Spam) but there is also Carly/Freddie (Creddie) or Freddie/Sam (Seddie).

Because you know it is all about the fanfiction.

{mother natures revenge}

I am kind to animals. Bordering on mania I am kind to animals. I don't even kill bugs if I can manage to get them outside. I could probably recycle more, that kind of thing, but on the whole I am eco conscious. I consider myself a good person, even if my outlook tends toward the darker side of life.

It had been a good summer. I had gone all summer without being attacked. Oh, there were a few skirmishes here and there but nothing that caused me to have to carry backup with me at all times. And then came the last day of summer.

I was changing the air filter in my husbands car, nothing to exciting. The next day, the last day of summer, I woke up with an itchy on my wrists. By the end of the day it was all over both arms and on my neck.

Poison Ivy. The bane of my existence.

I had gone ALL summer. ALL summer without it.

I didn't used to be allergic to it, or at least I didn't know I was. Then about 8 years ago I got a little spot and I have lived with calamine lotion within arms reach most of the time. I am not allowed to do things outside if it is at all possible to avoid it. My husband would like it if I didn't have to go outside at all during the summer.

Mother Nature has it in for me, I just know it.

{ now i remember why i had a blog}

Time. Simple. I find myself looking at my friends page and being surprised by the amount of fanfiction still being created in the Buffyverse. I don't know why. It is still as relevant as ever and let's face it, the cool factor will never leave Buffy.

I am now searching out fic recs for Doctor Who that is Ten-centric, True Blood or the Southern Vampire novels, and of course Harry Potterverse. If anyone has any suggestions, please send them along. Slash and het. A good story is a good story as far as I am concerned.

But back to the subject at hand.

I had more time with my blog because I had no friends page. My friend list is full of interesting people and communities, and because of that I find myself existing in computer time. It is an alternate time stream you see. I only seem to be reading for minutes and look at the clock and it has been hours. Watching a woman my age blearily blinking at the clock in the corner of her screen to see it read 3:00 a.m. is just pathetic. Really, pathetic.

My life would be easier if my friends list was less interesting, but my world wouldn't be nearly so much fun.

{and she appears again}

I am shutting down my blog and wandering back over here. It just seems the right thing to do, I have been feeling really disconnected from anyone in any fandom, not to mention the friends I have made on this thing. I am going to be posting my blog entries on here, using their original posting date and that will take a few days. So if you see something that seems like I have been time traveling don't be alarmed. It is either a repost or my prayers have been answered and Ten had dropped by and picked me up in the tardis (that would be Doctor Who played by David Tenant for the uninitiated). So hello all and please excuse the absence, I am delighted to be back.


I had a character once. He is a vampire (big surprise there for those who know me). Long blonde hair, ice blue eyes. I like to Juxtapose images. You think vampire you think black and red and dark. So I have created a vampire that has long blonde hair and ice blue eyes. Cillian Murphy eyes. Scarecrow eyes. He is French. Or Swedish, maybe both. I remember his last name. It is Bernadotte, but I can’t remember his first name. I gave him that last name because I am fascinated by the fact that a French general serving under Napoleon broke off and was adopted by the king of Sweden and became king himself. I am picturing him as a bastard son somewhere in the bloodline. I can picture him. All aloof and well…Swedish. I just wish I could remember his first name. I had pieces of paper that I had written parts of conversations and bits of info on, and now I can’t find them. Gad, it is hell to get old. And hell to have ADD. And hell to be scatterbrained as well.