Eclecticizm (kristispyder) wrote,

{coming to terms}

 I have recently made a discovery.  People like Keith more than they like me.  Maybe like isn't the exact right word.  Maybe enjoy is more to the point.  He is open, enthusiastic, caring and seems to genuinely want to talk to them.  I think it is the enthusiasm that is the key here.  I am not sure if I was ever as enthusiastic as he is.  I suppose it depends on the subject. 

In the discovery is nestled this odd tidbit of knowledge that might have something to do with it.  I am not a flirt.   I never really have been.  I was never taught to flirt. I never had an older sister to teach me.  It was quite a long time before I got the opportunity to try and flex those sorts of muscles, and by the time I was able, it seemed that the parade had passed me by.  I was a "Late Bloomer".   I think that is suppose to make you deep or something.  I don't buy that for a minute.  It just makes you depressed.

I find it hard to call someone  "Sweetheart" or "Honey".   I don't know, I feel silly.   Don't get me wrong, I love it when I am flirted with.  Calling me "Sweetheart" or "Honey" is fantastic.  I just feel awkward and really dorky.  There seem to be some boundary that there and I am not quite sure where it is.  

I even find it awkward to call Keith pet names sometimes.

Maybe it is just right now.  This moment in time is really perilous and I am using all my energy to keep myself together and functioning.  When things are better ( and they will be goddammit!!) I will be able to loosen up a bit and find my inner flirt.

In figuring out this bit of myself, I find an acceptance of it.  Which is a bit odd.

Is this something I should accept?  
Tags: life

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